You Shouldn’t Do Poly If…
This is my attempt of an honest look at life and love and what I’ve learned thus far journeying down this crazy poly road I’m on.
You shouldn’t do poly if:
1.) you can’t laugh at yourself.
There are times where we all make mistakes, we all make bad choices and decisions, and we all hurt other people. Personally, I never do that intentionally. There has to be an honest moment where we look at ourselves, laugh, and say, “wow, that was a really dumb move on my part.” Such is life. Live, be silly, laugh, and love. Keep going.
2.) you aren’t forgiving.
See above! If you can’t forgive others for the mistakes they have made, how can you forgive yourself?? We are all human. No one is intentionally trying to hurt you especially if they love you. Get over it. Keep going.
3.) you are afraid of your apple cart tipping or you want to keep your ducks in a row.
Once, years ago, I was talking to a therapist and was clearly upset by something my husband did. She looked straight at me and said, “You don’t like when he fucks up your ducks?” Nope. I don’t. But, guess what?? It’s life. The apple cart gets flipped. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes by accident. Shit happens, and life isn’t perfect (as much as I would like to pretend that it is). You’ve got to roll with the punches and not get upset by it. Let it go. Pick up the apples and ducks and rearrange. If you love the people you are with, they are worth rearranging for. Keep going.
4.) you are self centered and put your needs above everyone else’s.
There is a very humbling experience that happens in the poly world… It’s the point where you realize that this is not all about you. That every move you make and everything you say and do affects everyone in your life, and that in turn affects everyone in their life, and so on and so on. It’s the ripple effect. One stupid move and it can cause a rift in 8 people. Be wise and think before you act. (this is one I’m still working on, lol!) Keep going.
5.) you can’t be honest.
Poly forces us to be honest. There’s really no point in lying or hiding anything. We are all permitted to do what we want, and we all want to love multiple people. The easiest way to make a relationship feel safe and secure is to act honestly for all involved. Actions speak louder than words, too. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Be reliable. Be consistent. Be trustworthy. Keep going.
6.) you can’t let go of preconceived ideas and standards set by society.
Poly forces us to think outside the box. What isn’t normal in our day to day lives is normal here. I always find it surprising when someone thinks that my husband has a problem sharing me, or that I have a problem sharing him. We are POLY! That means we like to share! That doesn’t mean that I don’t take into consideration everyone’s boundaries, or that jealousy never happens, but you are welcome in this house. Keep going.
7.) you think you are safe from getting an STI.
I get tested religiously every 6 months. I do it not only for my health and safety, but for the health and safety of everyone I am sexually involved with. Sickness and germs happen, unless you live in a latex bubble. If you are poly, you may only be sexually involved with 2 people, but unless those two people are poly-fidelitous, they have their own relationships too. There’s always a risk that STI’s happen. Be prepared, gain knowledge about them, and know what to do when it happens. It’s not the end of the world. Keep going.
8.) you think that “that could never happen to you.”
If there is one thing I know for certain in this life, it’s that ANYTHING can happen to ANYONE at ANYTIME. If that means that the zombie apocalypse is coming tomorrow, so be it. I mean this. Don’t think that you are ever excluded in any way from something crazy happening in your life. It can happen. You’ve got to be prepared to stand up for yourself, and what you believe, and committed to working through things. Be strong. Keep going.
9.) you can’t communicate.
Sometimes my head hurts from all the talking and processing that has to go on, but in order for everyone to feel safe and secure, it’s completely necessary. I don’t want someone wondering how I feel or what I’m thinking. There’s a lot going on in my head. We have to talk it out or I go crazy. Keep going.
10.) you don’t care and you can shut people out.
Sometimes I think it would be way easier if I didn’t care. If I could just lock myself in a room and throw away the key. But I chose this life, and I do care. I am committed 100% to working through anything life throws at me, and that includes the people in it. I hope the people that are in my life realize that I chose them. They are special and I let them in because I love them. I keep going. I keep fighting. I keep loving. It’s all worth it to me.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. I’m working hard at gasping for air. Gasp with me.
Amendment: being poly isn’t the end all, be all way to do things. It’s hard work for all involved, and is not an easy path. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being poly, monogamous, or whatever you choose to be. These were just some of my thoughts, and I know I still have a lot to learn!
Submitted By – Jazzacious