Why I will never ask your Dom for permission
This note has been rumbling around in my head for a while. I have had a few instances of someone requiring that I ask permission of their Dom at play parties or to have play dates. The first time it happened I played along, but the experience nettled me and the next time it happened I said “Nope! You may ask your Dom, but that is not my job,” Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. Still, I’ve been making a mental checklist of all the reasons that this practice of making someone else ask your Dom is just not gonna fly with me.
1) YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink)
I am not into D/s. I will respect your kinks and your boundaries and I must ask that you reciprocate. Subjecting me to D/s is a hard limit. If that is unacceptable to you, then we simply won’t play or date. If other people like playing along in your D/s dynamic, that’s fine. But to me, it is YOUR D/s dynamic, not mine. I did not agree to any such rules requiring permission. I am not submissive to your Dom, YOU are. Besides, how serious can you take your Dom if you, as a submissive, have to do his work for him? It’s a different story if a Dom comes and talks to me for safety reasons, but like hell I’m going to ask him/her for permission.
“Not tonight, we need to talk first but yes definitely I want to!”
I understand that your kinks, fetishes, boundaries and limits are very important to you. But so are mine. It is very rude to assume that your boundaries are more important than mine. This is the type of thing that has to be discussed and agreed upon, not just flung in my face. I’ve had that happen before – I asked someone to play and they kindly said “Not tonight, we need to talk first but yes definitely I want to!” (this is the appropriate way to handle the situation!) The wrong way is to point a finger and say “My Dom is over there, go talk to him first,” or even worse is to go grab your Dom and bring him/her over to talk to me, the exception being safety. I’ve had Doms come and talk to me about circulation problems and limits that their subs may not have communicated.
2) Your Dom is your Dom, not mine
It is extraordinarily rude to presume that I will perform some submissive act of asking permission of your Dom. There’s a good chance that I’m more experienced, more competent, and more confident than your Dom. Please don’t force me to make your Dom look silly at a party. (Yes, this has really happened). As I mentioned in #1, I never agreed to to anything in your dynamic. Your Dom has no special titles to me. He or she is just another person in the scene. If you want me to act submissive towards your Dom, let him earn my respect first. It is very presumptuous that I should respect your Dom just because you do. If I already know, like, and respect your Dom, chances are he’s already offered you to me. Lots of Doms seem to like watching their girls interact with new partners. More experienced Doms seem to want their subs to get out on their own and grow and learn.
Conversely, I have been at a party with a partner and other guys will ask me if they can play with my partner. Sure, I had been in a scene with her and I was being very mean and then she was very quiet during aftercare. I was dressed very sharply in my black slacks and black silk shirt. I looked Super Domly Dom with my flogger over my shoulder and the other person didn’t want to offend me. My reaction to such events is usually one of confusion and I always say “Ask her, not me,” Hell, I’ve had people ask me permission to play with people who weren’t even my partners! Having been on both sides of this equation, the whole deal of asking a Dom for permission just seems silly. I had done nothing to earn the respect of those other people and it was quite disrespectful to my partner to assume that she had no say in the matter.
3) Communication with your Dom is your job, not mine
I completely understand a dynamic where you must ask permission before engaging new play partners. I understand the subrogation of power there. I understand that having your Dom filter and control your decisions in such ways makes you feel safe, loved, protected, and cared for. That is intensely personal and intimate and it is also completely between you and your Dom. I get so such feelings from asking your Dom for anything. To me it seems like some sort of childish power play to tell me to ask your Dom. Accordingly, my estimation of your maturity (as well as your Doms) drops a few notches when I am told to ask permission of your Dom.
Furthermore, if you are unable or unwilling to communicate with your Dom, that tells me SOMETHING IS WRONG. Maybe you are afraid of your Dom’s reaction. Maybe you’re afraid that s/he will say ‘no’. I honestly don’t know or care, but I do know that fearing your Dom is generally a bad thing. Lots of “doms” mask abuse as D/s – another thing that I want no part of. I get the sense that your relationship with your Dom is unhealthy, I am bailing as I want no part of that drama.
I cannot stress how much I want no part of your D/s dynamic. If that is unacceptable to you, if playing with or dating you requires that I become part of your D/s dynamic then I will happily decline and go find someone else to play with. That’s your loss, not mine. I only want to play with or date healthy, functional adults.