Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know…

1) Their time with you is limited, and valuable to them. They look forward to seeing you and they even count down the days. They like knowing that you see your time together as sacred. If you indiscriminately change plans or cancel, it can make them feel disposable and well, second.  Secondary doesn’t mean second place.

2) Sometimes they need extra reassurance that they are important and needed. They don’t get those little cues that would be there if you were together more: things like a pat on the ass, as they are doing housework, or giving us control of the remote on a lazy night at home.  They can ask for what they need, if they feel it will be given freely. If they say, “Tell me you love me.“, it’s not because they think you don’t, or they’re neurotically insecure. Sometimes they just need to hear it, out loud.

3) They want to know that they can depend on you even if they are the satellite relationship. Keep your commitments to them, even if it seems like a small thing like “I’ll text you tomorrow.” Be there for them for the big things (Birthdays). Honor anniversaries…first date, first kiss….anything that celebrates the two of you. It gives them ownership of the“US” that you are, even though you are also part of another “us”.

4) It’s important to them that your primary partner is comfortable with them. As secondary, it is tricky sometimes to find the balance between being respectful of the established relationship, and nurturing their own newer relationship with you. Sometimes they feel like they’re at a disadvantage because they got there last, and there are limits placed on the two of you because of that. Understand that they are trying, and that they feel vulnerable to that dynamic sometimes.

5) Finally.  Know that they love and adore you. At the end of the day, though they may get into bed alone, they go to sleep knowing that you love them, that you need them, and that they are important. And that is the wonderful truth that keeps your secondary going.

– —Mistress Lelu—