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Kinky dating or the kinky lifestyle is not enough …

Over the years I’ve encountered roughly a dozen Doms (including myself) who have the same kinky dating tale to tell.

“I had a sub who was wonderful! She’d do anything for me! And then it all fell apart and she left”.

The thing is, being compatible in the kink department doesn’t seem to be enough. Very few couples (or triads or quads or whatever) can build a relationship around kink all the time. Life keeps getting in the way. If you both work, then you are being called on to maintain roles for a substantial part of the time that may be at odds with your ‘at home’ roles. The transition from one to the other can be jarring and sometimes stressful.

Kinky Dating is not enough!

So when you aren’t doing kinky dating or kink in general, what are you doing? Can the relationship stand without the kink component? If it is a live in relationship you need to be able to have something else going on when one of you isn’t tied to the kitchen table being tormented.

Exploring kink with a person can be intoxicating, it can become your whole world, but the flesh is weak, you can only have so many orgasms a day, you can’t sleep in a ball gag. There has to be something there after the ropes and the toys and the costumes get put away.

And sometimes, there is no there there in kinky dating. The relationship is not meeting the needs of one or more people in it. It is often obscured by the heady rush of doing all the kinky stuff you’ve always wanted to do, so much so that when someone leaves, the other person is bewildered (“but things were going so well!”).

Often kinky people make a big thing about how everything is negotiated and there is lots and lots of communication. But that is often only on the kink side (“darling when you tied me up yesterday, the third rope on the left side was just a little tight”) being open and honest about the whole relationship gets swept under the carpet. There is confusion (“I’m fulfilling the kink role of my dreams, why am I still feeling unfulfilled?”) and doubt and unhappiness. And rather than talk it out, there is retreat into more and more kink until it comes to a head and someone leaves.

Kinky dating chemistry isn’t relationship chemistry.

Having kink chemistry is an important part of a relationship if you are kinky, but it isn’t enough. There has to be compatibility on other levels.

The movie “500 days of summer” in part explores this situation, where it seems that the relationship is wonderful, but one person isn’t as fulfilled and eventually finds more happiness with another. (I am reminded of a friend’s soon to be ex-wife saying to him, “I’m happy with you, but I think I could be happier”).

So we need to be aware that when we meet the kinky person of our dreams, that we look at the whole picture and not just the kink side, that we put as more effort into the relationship than doing those elaborate kinky scenes.

One person I knew said that the best memory she had of the relationship (kinky dating or otherwise) was lying on a couch, with her head in his lap, just talking and being close while every now and then he’d hit her with a crop…

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Kinky dating or the kinky lifestyle is not enough ...
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The thing is, being compatible in the kink department doesn't seem to be enough. Very few couples (or triads or quads or whatever) can build a relationship around kink all the time. Life keeps getting in the way. If you both work, then you are being called on to maintain roles for a substantial part of the time that may be at odds with your 'at home' roles.
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