Having boobs doesn’t exempt you from getting consent
Lately there has been a lot of talk about consent and consent violations.
It’s a healthy discussion to have, and one that needs to be looked at again and again every so often.
And 90% of the consent violations that I see at about every event never get addressed or even talked about for the most part.
They are the consent violations perpetrated by women….usually on other women.
I have seen women who were complete strangers to other women grab, grope, kiss and even bite without even getting permission to touch. And nobody seems to ever say anything.
It is very much like there are two sets of consent standards. Those for men and those for women. I’d love to know if women feel like these consent violations are, in fact, violations, or if there’s a general unspoken consensus that everyone with a vagina is the communal property of everyone else with a vagina.
It seems to be part of a larger double standard on the acceptance of men and women in the scene, and its something longstanding.
Quick, imagine this in your head: You are at a play party, and there’s a very hot scene going on that’s attracting a lot of attention. A woman, lets say she’s mid 30s to early 40s, attractive, maybe a little overweight even, observing the scene off to the side. She doesn’t interrupt, but strips down and begins masturbating because she’s so worked up.
What would you think of her?
Now take the same scenario, envision it in your head, and make it a man.
For MOST people I’ve asked face-to-face, they admit that they thought it was fine and dandy and even hot if the woman did it and she should be encouraged even. But they admit that as soon as they made that woman a man, that person became a creeper.
The same thing seems to apply to consent.
Women get a pass on things that men would get thrown out on their ass for doing.
And it doesn’t stop with women on women. I have been necked, had my bald head licked and my junk groped (I’ve been actually told that black men should just expect to have their dicks grabbed by curious white women. what.the.fuck.), and been kissed in public without women asking. Recently, I just said “fuck it” and changed my profile to give women who encounter me consent for most casual touching because, honestly, I enjoy the attention.
But that don’t make it right that they do it without asking.
This is how far it goes:
A few years back I was at a private party with a girl who eventually became a relationship for several years (even resulting in a child), but at the time we had not consummated the relationship because she had been ill. So we had our moment, went into a back room, closed the door, and began to do our thing. Then a female acquaintance of ours came in, uninvited…
AND STUCK HER TONGUE UP MY ASS!
Any idea how disturbing that is to experience unexpected?
Well, the girl I was with was a bit distraught, but we just kinda rolled with it and casually asked the girl, who I had been physical with in the past, granted, if we could have some privacy.
Can you imagine if that had been a man doing that to a woman in the middle of sex with someone else. Nuclear fallout would have occurred.
So, what’s the harm?
Others are watching.
Everyone, to some degree, twists reality and what they see to make it most favorable to them and what they want. That means when they see you not asking for consent and appearing to be a public squeaky toy and they want to touch you, their brain is going to do a little, fairly easy logic dance and say “hey! That girl just met her and she grabbed her boob! I want to grab her boob too! Lemme go introduce myself!” And about 10 seconds after Master McDouche has said hello he’s got his hands all over your breasticles.
He’s still wrong. Let’s not be mistaken.
He still should not have done it. And he still needs to be reprimanded. But I HOPE we can understand how maybe that might not have happened.
IF there are two different consent standards for men and women, then it needs to be codified, addressed or at least publicly acknowledged.
If not, and women in the scene want to be seen as publicly accessible to other women but not other men, the confusion, and numerous consent violations that would not have happened otherwise, will continue to happen.
If you do not feel that when a woman violates your consent it’s no big deal, but when a man does it, it is a big deal, then there definitely needs to be a discussion about what the fuck is up with that.
At the very least, think of it the same way you do trademarks. I’m in media so this is the best way I can think to translate it. When you have a trademark, you have to defend it, even if you’re defending it against something that’s not really a threat. Like some kid at a Con putting your character on a $5 T-shirt.
Your body is your trademark. You should defend it against consent violations, even those that do not become a threat.
Because when you don’t defend a trademark, you lose the ability to call someone to task when they violate that trademark. Afterall, you let the last 10 people do so with no repercussions or complaints. You might still win the case, but the damage is often done by then.
Think of your body as a trademark, defend it against consent violations even when its another woman, even if its no harm, no foul. Because others are watching what you do even more than what you say. They are still wrong to violate your consent, but the damage is often done by then.
*Addendum: Someone just brought up to me that people considered physically attractive of either gender get away with a lot of consent violations, and I think that person is probably right.
Submitted by – Darkeros